BLOGGY BLOG!!!

Cuz everyone needs one of those I guess.

10/15/21- I was a very big boy today. I got my wisdom teeth out!! I spent the whole week prior worrying about it, but it wasn't that bad at all. Also, what they say about basic/local anesthesa is true: that shit conks you out in 2 seconds. Like I legit was awake, and a second later I had 0 thoughts, just completely passed tf out. And then I woke up and somehow an hour had passed!!! The pain afterwards wasn't even that bad (ive had canker sores that hurt worse). The hardest part now will be letting the holes heal (its also insane that i have all this extra room in my mouth.....MORE ROOM FOR MY TONGUE!!!)

Because I'm weird and a frequent daydreamer AND roleplayer, it was cool to wake up attached to the heart rate monitors and IV. I got to pretend I was some wounded hero coming back from a mission or something. Also.........as someone with a love for characters with fucked up jaws, its cool to relate to them (I am looking at both Raiden Metal Gear and Lady Godiva Atomic Gothic). Like, haha my lower jaw is all fucked up and numb JUST like my favorite lads!!!!!

Anyway, I probably wont be able to go to ceramics this week (very sad about that) but I have an interview soon. Might not go, I'll have to see how much I actually want it LOL. For now I am stuck in bed, will have plenty of time to play Stardew Valley and draw those chapter 3 panels. Oh fuck. also note to self: list all those old ceramics on my Storenvy.

10/6/21-CERAMICS: Got a ton of pots back from the kiln! About half of my pots were mistakenly overfired without a finishing glaze (at another kiln studio, totally not the Phoenix Center’s fault), so I attempted to fire them again with my desired glazes. The rest were pots I had made a year ago and had sat on my shelf as greenware. Some others were mugs/bowls I had made recently. Below are some highlights!

Beer Stein- I’ve been waiting a YEAR to fire this guy. Coleman Purple on Turquise Orbie glaze on Amador red clay. I layered both glazes on pretty thick and the purple/blues really show it off. This mug had a lot of texture that got covered up, but I’m very satisfied with the result. Will try and make more of these in the future!!


-NFS-

The bottom is a little heavy and the handle isn’t 100% perfect but I love its shape. Amador is a very rough clay when fired to cone 10, so the thick coat helped.

For next time: any velvet underglaze on Black Mountain clay will just not work with cone 10. Maybe cone 6? Also: will spray on clear glaze from now on. For some reason the Phoenix Center clear glaze just doesn’t like me

Sierene Black Dog: tenmoku my beloved. Seriously this glaze rules, especially on dark bodied clays. It shines like some old metallic artifact, and gives you these nice black splotches. Will def do more anubises in this glaze/claybody combo. Wondering if a wash of this glaze will look nice? I saw a lady in the studio today who used a blue/blackish glaze as a wash, and a lighter glaze on top. I wanna try try that.

-NFS, but identical ones will be made! Be on the lookout for those here.

Also tried a little bowl with tenmoku, very beautiful, very powerful.

-$17-

Probably my favorite mug-Woo Blue on Hunter Green with Black Mountain clay. I made this guy very light, and the handle turned out well too!! I want to use this shape in the future, but I’ll probably make them a little larger (my hands are so small, my pottery turns out tiny by accident). Very happy with the blue showing off the ring texture. The inside is a little bland (hunter green doesn't show up very well when thinly applied on BM).

-NFS-

Woo Blue glaze on Phoenix Shino with Amador clay. I think I applied this guy too thin, the color is nice but Amador is so orange that the clay color will take over the glaze color. Got some nice blue in the ridges tho! I also just like the shape of this pot. Would make an awesome mug.

$30

Woo Blue on Turquoise Orbie glaze, This guy is a weird almost metallic green with blueish areas. The inside is bumpy with a grey/blue shine, I think that was the turquoise. Maybe the turquoise isn't thick enough? I still love the green, I think I was just expecting more navy blue like what the test tile showed. Probably BM’s fault. But what can I say, I love Black Mountain!!! It’s like working with chocolate….too bad colors are so unpredictable with it……..if only I used B-mix more….

-$30-

White Satin on Hunter Green. So this guy came out yellowish/green in some areas (like, a booger green). It’s not UGLY but its definitely a little strange, especially since I was going for a winter snowstorm effect like how the test tile looked. The booger effect is BM’s fault I think (the studio test tiles are on a while body clay). Still, this pot came out pretty cool, I love this splatter effect. Using texture/bumps on this glaze combo is a must. White body clay will also probably work better, and apply glaze thicker as well.


-$25-
Pete’s Cranberry on Turquoise Orbie with Amador clay: This mug was one of my favorite shapes, and the glaze turned out good too! A cool turquoise with red splotches. Need to do more of this combo, maybe with less turquoise. Wondering if a lighter body clay will look nicer. Didn't add Pete’s on the inside and it’s weirdly green tinted where the clay shows through.

-SOLD-

Noxema glaze on Amador: Lovely blue glaze, will use again on dark bodied clay.

-$12-

Also check out these other tiny cups!!

from left to right: sold, $12, sold, $12

Boogery Transgender shot glasses: Yeah these were mistake pieces, but I wanted to try clear glazing them anyway! I kinda love how they turned out. The inside took the glaze so theyre very usable. The colors are subtle but you can still make out the trans flag. Gonna give one to a pal.

-NFS-

Mistake pots :(

I’m so sad these didn’t turn out better, but what ya gonna do.

Peacemaker x Piaseki mug. I made this cup sometime during my spring semester 2020 before COVID. This guy sat around without a final fire for two years and I FINALLY got to finish him. Too bad the clear glaze just didn’t work out. Also, Black Mountain clay fires SO DARK that even three layers of velvet underglaze will just not cut it. The airplane/helicopter is still visible (and I kinda like how obscured they are) but I wish the colors were more vibrant. My bad.

-NFS-

Detonation planter: same situation as above, except the black amaco velvet underglaze just hated me and started to bubble??? It looks so gnarly, like it's actually radioactive. Too bad the colors aren't more vibrant….

-NFS-

Woo Blue on B-mix. This guy is just a little borning and the glaze wasn’t applied neatly. Note to self: apply Woo Blue THICK!!!!!!111 This shape is p cool tho.

-$17-

Full moon wolf mug: man not even white made it through the firing. You can kinda see the moon though?

-$30-

Reclining naked male: The image is hella dark but you can still see it. Mug is heavy and bubbly on the inside (a side effect of over firing). Not bad!

-$15-

Sphinxes mug: So sad this one didn’t turn out. To be fair the mug is pretty heavy and the handle could be better. I kinda like how the illustration is hard to find? Like an actual archeological dig (my sphinxes are based on mesopotamian and etruscan artwork).

-$10-

Mushroom cup: Underglaze kinda shown through? Kinda looks cool?

-SOLD-

Biggest Takeaways:

Man, firing underglazes at cone 10 is HARD. Colors just don't turn out, and maybe it's my fault using mostly dark bodied clays, but I’m hella concerned with my current greenware stuff (and future projects). I really want to put my illustrations on clay like this artist, but this seems impossible at cone 10!! I need to find another studio that does cone 6 and lower.

For the time being, I’ll enjoy my nice tenmoku anubis and crispy planes. The studio instructor said he could help me fire my angel platter at cone 6 possibly, so here’s me crossing my fingers.




9/20/2021- MAN im really pumped about ceramics. Around this time last year I had these intense dreams about going back to the studio and just making things for hours....That kinda creative feeling was particularly strange? It felt borderline obsessive, like anyone stopping me from touching clay would be slain by my hand.

The studio I would visit in my dream was very dark (it was inside a warehouse maybe?) and drafty. The POV from the dream was overhead-looking down on me sculpting stuff with my hands. I was hunched over and in a trance. I think I remember smoothing out the nose on a horse...I just remember having intense love for the things I make in this dream.

Tomorrow will try stamping into clay with a new design I made-

Dog design, dog acrylic stamp (laser cut), and dog imprint in clay.

9/19/2021- Visited Prescott-absolutely beautiful! It rained and flash flooded while we were in town. The place we stayed at had water running nearby and it was nice to sit under a full moon in the woods. Had the best spinach enchiladas in my whole life. Took a nice walk near some extra large geese near a lake. Saw a flat earther car downtown??? Wild.

Part of the engraved timeline in front of the courthouse. I can find nuclear stuff anywhere baybe.

Also in front of the Prescott courthouse is a very pretty lady statue from 1910- I left an offering (my queer zine) at her base and threw a penny (if bounced off her face!!!) into her fountain.


9/18/2021- Going to visit ye old Prescott in slightly more northern AZ. Also gonna play UNDERTALE........TWO!!! Hoping to visit some cool ass antique stores, go hiking, and stargaze if the weather is good. It says it might rain (fuck yesssss).

9/11/2021- Once again going to word dump here. Spent the day cleaning ye apartment and actually making my desk area not a disaster. I can actually walk to the doorway jashdfjadshfd. Having pasta (yet again) for early dinner because tummy troubles plauge me. I've been eating hella carbs and starches lately (potatoes for ALL meals!!!!) Possibly a new zine idea?? Also should probably go to the doctor.

SO I have this amazing idea for selling pottery- you know how you can use rubber stamps on clay to make an indentation?? Well I keep imagining a series of mugs with like...pretty bishonen boys on them. maybe even some yaoi mugs. I think it would be hilarious and ppl at anime cons (and places adjacent) would love them. Gonna look into ways to mark clay... (can I use a lino block???) I want to be known as the yaoi mug guy.

just about done inhaling my pasta......its carb coma time.

7/30/2021- Ahahaha felt that good 'ol artist burnout so decided to work on my website. Why not word vomit into an html builder?

Spent most of the day problemsolving spaghetti garbage code from a newsletter template builder. Couldn't figure out how to make it responsive on mobile so I had to resort to calling a tech guy for help. The guy said "yeah this looks pretty duct taped together". I blame neocities for my html talent <3

October 2nd I'll be (hopefully) taking another trip to NM to see the Trinity site. White Sands Missile Range opens up the site for visitors twice a year in October and April. Will probably wear my lab coat/turtleneck/yellow gloves and bring my 1950s dosimeter hehehHEHEHE!!! Will be sure to take lots of pics.

As far as other exciting things, I'm planning on seeing 100 Gecs in November...seriously cannot wait to be in a room with a ton of other weird ppl :3 The gender will be crazy!! Had a dream last night that I had the sickest tripp pants on........they were white with reflective tape. Really wish I had that pair irl....


6/18/2021- Once again I am in Colorado. And I drove all the way here by myself! 7 hours of driving took a toll on me, but I'm alive. Saw a lightning strike fire (?) on the Ute and felt anxious- would it spread to town? A Chinkook (?) helicopter flew by us after checking out the fire. Surreal.

Had dinner with my family (we haven't been together in a very long time) and it felt amazing. We tried to eat outside, but it started thundering and raining. We laughed as we scurried inside before the grilled chicken could get wet. Large dramatic raindrops and perfect weather ...I couldn't ask for a more beautiful night. I think the rain put out the Ute fire too.

Planning on using the poor internet connection to my advantage and brainstorming AG ideas, will probably unplug from social media for a while, too.

I want to stay here for a while...I need to be in nature, fuck just anywhere except Hell Zone AZ. I need my feet to touch grass and I need to smoke some too. Planning on hitting up some local antique stores. I need some vintage dresses and lead lined motorcycle gloves.


5/18/2021- I MADE IT HOME!!!! AAA!!! Will put pics on my Los Alamos page sometime soon

(apologies for spelling errors, im super tired. will spell check laterrrrrrr) (edit: i will not spellcheck this. apologies in advance).

5/17/2021- Drove from Taos to Alburquirquie Albeurqurque

Drove along the Rio Grande, dipped my hand in the water, and carried on. Somehow didn't die while driving in the intense rain. It hailed so hard it piled up like snow. Crazy lightning too. Stopped in Los Alamos on the way to Santa Fe (sorry dad) and visited the Fuller Lodge and museum again. Peed at the main gate (the sign is a replica fixed above public restrooms).

Drove onto lab property again (you have to go past the lab gates to get to the nearby national parks) and they didn't even check my ID this time?? Weak.

A roadrunner came up to me in the hotel parking lot???? Like it full on looked at me and stomped its feet?? It had a scruffy shoulder (cute ;;;) and darted across the parking lot after I stared at it confused. I'm convinced that little guy came to me because I've been a-strugglin. ;-;

5/16/2021-Went to another airplane museum (Colorado Springs WW2 Airplane museum). Yeah, I'm predictable. This was a super cool museum-all planes in their collection are fully operational. The tour guide was very friendly (and used to work in a Titan II missile silo-the very one I've visited in Tucson, AZ!!) Like a nerd, I showed him my pen dosimeter that I bought at that silo. I didn't have the chance to berrade him with questions (I also didn't want to embarrass him-the silo is a museum now and he said that makes him feel old). But he did mention that the "warhead guys" were very secretive about maintenence. "Oh, what are you working on?" and they would answer something vauge. I'm assuming he was just in the control center or some other ground crew- he didn't actually work on the missile.

I felt very silly but...amused? Being the only visitor under the age of like 45. Also the only uh... """girl""". The docents loved me. It must've been the cute little boy scout uniform I was wearing and the excited questions. Mr. Titan II asked why I had suck a grin on my face, and I said "I just really love planes" which is 100% true. I told him I was an artist and I love drawing planes (paritally true-I cant draw planes for shit). He suggested I join the Air Force and I was like uhhhhhmmm no thank you sir but I am flattered. Honestly? This exchange was very sweet.

Museum highlights were the 3D printed Norton Bombsight, the only fully functioning ww2 airplane trainer, and P36 lightning. I bought a lil toy of it because i used to have one as a little kid-it was my favorite toy plane. Ate lunch in a Boeing KC-97 (the Airplane Resturant down the street). Very cool!!! They let you sit in the cockpit.

Drove through very scary rainy weather in southern colorado and finally made it to Taos. It was a beautiful drive. Exhausted. Staying in a kinda shitty lodge but it has hot water and a microwave so I'm set. Gonna try and think about Dan and Victor kissing tonight and pass tf out.

5/15/2021- Okay, so the only cool thing about Wyoming is its trains. They got this famous one named "Big Boy" that I think I'm in love with. Walked around downtown Cheyenne and ducked into some cluttered antique stores. Bought the coolest belt buckle from a little pawn shop. It has a truck on it (so its a belt.......truckle.) Passed through Denver (I wish I could stay longer hrrngg) and saw the insanely cool 80s toy store "Fifty Two 80s". Nextdoor is a vintage clothing store called "Real Vintage" that was run by some friendly LGBT lads :)!! I bought a boy scout uniform for $8 (I wear my other ones so often, they fall apart) and some vintage Ultraman buttons. Def gonna come back with my pals and give the city a proper visit!!

Staying in Colorado Springs tonight. IHop for dinner and will (hopefully) go downstairs to drink a Modelo. Oh, and our hotel is right across from this. Love thinking about my beloved EverGiven. Watched Star Trek and a cheesey 50s monster movie "The Fiend without a Face" about "atomic monsters". Very epic. Drew Dan and Victor n passed out.


5/14/2021- Today was mostly driving. Did you know that there is nothing in Wyoming? We drove along the south border and visited 3 of its largest cities (the biggest had a Walmart!). Now, I'll romanticize anything. I'll be like "ohhh look how beautiful the hills and run-down barns are!" but some of these towns were very scrappy. Most of Evanston's historic downtown was unoccupied (so many broken windows...). Rawlins's residential area was full of the most beautiful victorian houses, but many were falling apart-they looked seriously haunted! I guess I'm getting the best midwest (?) gothic experience. The countryside though? Beautiful...pronghorns and wild horses and dramatic rain. Had a much needed dinner at McDonalds.

On our way from Evanston to Rawlins we stopped at Fort Bridger. I was expecting a ghost town or commemorative marker or something semi boring, but the place was a full on fort established in 1842! They had a walking tour and 30 or so different buildings you can explore. Some buildings were originals and others were replicas, but the whole area was beautiful with birch trees and the most dramatic clouds. Wyoming's sky does not disapoint.

Boy do my dad and I love old fucking buildings. This trip has been like 70% old buildings and 30% cheap hotels.

Sadly, I don't think we'll be able to see the Minuteman missile silo this time around. Howeverrrrr I can try and convince my dad to drive by the Fort St. Vrain (Colorado's first and only nuclear power plant) visitor center building? The nuclear plant was decommissioned in the 80s, and the site is now a gas plant. I think there's still a visitor center? Gonna read this article on the plant's 'failure', but for now I really need a shower.

5/13/2021- OKAY today was a lot better. Saw the Transcontinental Railroad at the Golden Spike National Historic park! Located in northern Utah, the park covers 2,735 acres of land preserving the area of the original Transcontinental Railroad and the place where the east and west ends met in 1869. They have reenactments of the CPRR Jupiter and Union Pacific 119 trains meeting in the middle (they're very loud!!!) I ran all over the tracks and of course touched the trains. Also drove on the original railway ground (the tracks were removed during WWII to salvage the steel.) On the route we found a little arch... called the "Chinese Arch" to honor the Chinese laborers of the western part of the railroad.

We also went to the Hill Aerospace Museum located near a Northrop Grumman building (?) and Hill Airforce Base. This museum was HUGE and we were pooped by the time we saw everything. Notable planes were their B-17 and B-29 bombers, and their hugeass Douglas Globemaster. Of course I really loved their two Douglas Skytrains. They also had a 'flying banana, H-21B manufactured by Piasecki Helicopter Corporation, one of my favorite choppers.

They were in the middle of remodeling parts of the museum-including a Minuteman ICBM console display. I took pics anyway, but I couldn't get close enough to take detail shots (and touch all the buttons). Still, good refrence pics for my comic. They had a replica of The Gadget used in an Oppenheimer documentary (?) in the 80s also on display. And a TON of inert Raytheon and Texas Instruments missiles. Around this time I started to feel sick. The excitement of "ooo cool planes!!" starts to wear off once you realize how much you also hate the United States Military Industrial Complex.

Spent the evening in a seedy bar in rural Wyoming, of course full of maskless ppl. Felt pretty out of place as a transmasc lad but I really needed a drink. Their fries were very good.
Tomorrow: explore Rock Springs and head to Denver (YAAAYYY LIBERALS AND WEED!!!!)

5/12/2021- God I'm absolutely exhausted. Road trips are already tiring, but add anxiety on top of that? Oof.

Drove around 5ish hours from Moab, Utah to Box Elder, Utah. Arches National Park was unfortunately full so we couldn't drive through the park. We /did/ see some cool rock formations, and the drive around that area is always beautiful. The superfun site next to the Colorado River is still there. Had some Dad bonding time by listening to Kraftwerk and other (newer) edm artists. My dad likes Knife Party I guess? That's hilarious to me for some reason. Staying in Box Elder tonight (thank fucking god for Hampton Inn, this shit is paradise compared to the cheap hotels in Moab).

Oh- we also passed by a fort? Fuck what was it called. It was a Mormon settler fort but all the buildings were faithful replicas built recently. The welcome center was uhhhh very churchy propaganda? Mormon-y propaganda? They played us a movie and the cheese levels were off the walls. Like, children singing and friendship and "no one died" :) "we were best friends with the natives" :) etc etc. The whole experience felt so curated and fake. Life as a settler was pain and death and dysentery!!! Not singing and sunshine!!! My dad and I did have a good laugh, though.

5/11/2021- Finally made it to Moab. On the way up we detoured to the old Mi Vida Mine, a good 20 minutes off from the main road. It was definitely rocky and a little scary driving in such a rural landscape, but god it was beautiful. A guy in a huge dirty (gas?) truck passed us and asked if we were looking for the mine, we both shouted 'yes' and he gave us direcitons. The mine itself can't be accessed from the road we took (maybe there's another route?) so we had to look from a distance. Still very cool. For dinner we ate at Charlie Steen's house (now called the Sunset Grill). The resturant was decorated with pictures from his life and artifacts from the various mines. Of course there were dozens of dosimeters! Will update site with pics later.

Had a bit of an anxiety episode while there, but I'm trying to move on. This trip has been very difficult for me but I still want to stick it out.

5/10/2021-Revamping this blog!! Will add prettier CSS in a bit. For now here is my travel barf:

Going on a roadtrip with my dad, mostly because he hasn't seen me in a long time and we both have our shots now. He wanted to take a 8 (or so) day roadtrip up through Utah, Wyoming, South Dakota, then back down through Colorado and AZ. Our destinations will probably change, but for now we are heading to Moab (which he hasn't seen). I will be 100% honest, I wanna see Moab because it was an old Uranium mining town and I actually want to stop and see a mine or maybe those Potash Ponds.

Most challenging part of this trip will be navigation, as both my dad and I have a horrible sense of direciton!! I'm going to try not to get frustrated...after all I wanna use this trip to soul search a little. Oh and...""relax"" whatever that means.

Not to disclose my mental health issues on ye world wide web but I've had pretty bad anxiety since the beginning of quarentine (I mean I've had GAD my whole life but-)

I /need/ to actually force myself to not overthink, to let go and not worry. To at least understand I /can't/ be in control and that's ok.

We made it up to Flagstaff tonight, will head to Moab tomorrow. Staying in the historic Monte Vista hotel, established in 1926 I belive. Also it's haunted!!!! I got a San Tan Devil's IPA and drank it looking wistfully out the bar window. I love old bathrooms, you know with those little white hexagon tiles?? The shower was very nice, I really love hotel showers/tubs for some reason.

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12/27/2020- TODAY we drove through Capitol Reef National Park-and gee whiz Utah is back at it again with uranium mines and beautiful red rocks!!! Yes, once again my parents had to listen to me excitedly talk about uranium deposits.

In my humble opinion, Capitol Reef pales in comparison to Arches National Monument, but the drive was definitely worth it.

_______________________________________________________________________________

12/26/2020- We visited Arches National Monument in Utah today! We did just a quick drive through at sunset (the optimal time to visit). The scenery is Biblical; the windy drive through towering red rocks (while listening to FLeetwood Mac mind you!!!) made me cry big baby tears. We did a short hike around North Window (where you can see the moon rise through an eye shaped hole, and Turret Arch, where the sun sets through the adjacent Windows. Being in the middle of these two monuments, the moon rising through one hole, and the sun setting through another, was a very beautiful experience.

Anyway, long story short I'm a huge nerd and was excited to learn there's a superfun site right at the entrace of the park!!!!! Specifically an old uranium tailings pond left over from the 1950s-1970s when mining operations were in full swing for the Atlas Missile program. Driving through downtown Moab (just 5 minutes from the park), makes it clear this was once an atomic town (We saw a few 'Atomic' named resturants and other businesses. I had to run across the street to take a pic of a this building??? *insert pic here*)

As quoted from this lovely site-

"In 1952 Charles Augustus Steen, an unemployed oil geologist from Texas, effectively proved there was significant uranium ore on the Colorado Plateau. Settling his wife and four young sons in a tarpaper shack near Cisco, he took off alone to seek the precious mineral. Unable to afford a geiger counter, he took a broken down drill rig into the back-country, ignored standard uranium-seeking technology, and used oil exploration geology to locate the Mi Vida mine in the Shinarump conglomerate of an area the AEC had deemed barren of ore. What had been ridiculed as "Steen's Folly" resulted in the nation's first big uranium strike in the Big Indian Wash of Lisbon Valley southeast of Moab."

"Steen's find triggered more. Vernon Pick claimed the Delta Mine northwest of Hanksville, later selling it to international financier Floyd Odlum for nine million dollars and an airplane. Pratt Seegmiller staked the lucrative Freedom and Prospector claims near Marysvale. Joe Cooper and Fletcher Bronson discovered uranium in their played-out Happy Jack copper mine near Monticello and netted over $25 million. Between 1946 and 1959, 309,380 claims were filed in four Utah counties. A center of activity, the once sleepy farming town of Moab became known as "The Uranium Capitol of the World.""

Wow!!! My poor parents had to listen to me excitedly ramble about this tailings pond that is most likely leaking into the Colorado River ("Greaaaat" My mom said).

ALSO fun fact-the ghost town of Cisco (mentioned above) is currently resided by a couple of cool queer lads- I believe they still do artist residencies there? This Vice documentary is a few years old but last time we drove through, it looked like there were still cars parked nearby. You bet your ass I want to make art there someday!!

Unrelated-but when walking back to our hotel we saw a guy dancing with fire, like with fire on a stick? Whatever that is called? It was also 20 degrees outside. Sick.

I'm emo, squidward.


(Personal shit ahead)

9/20/2021- Every artist has those moments where they like....compare themselves to other artists. Its been very difficult trying to be turn jealous thoughts into "im happy for you" thoughts. Why must someone else's success hurt me :( ???. The worst part is I cant control those feelings (but I am getting better at it... )

Its very much a situation where I think everyone around me is succeeding and I'm not. I'm dragging behind either because my personality is flawed or im not privileged enough. ORRR im too privileged but i dont utilize it (aka im lazy). sometimes it just feels wrong to be me...

TLDR: of course i love myself and i know most of these things arent true. it just hurts when sometimes i think- what if i *am* actually a shitty person?


5/18/2021- Lord howdy. The trip I took with my dad was supposed to be like....a way for me to soul search? I did learn some things, but i dont think my soul was all that happy I learned:
I should care less about what other ppl think of me.
Draw more. My ocs are so important.
Become the Adult when my parents dont.


5/10/2021- Aaaaaaaaa tired. Wanna see more missile silos and TA 18 in Los Alamos. Need to satiate my worrybrain with fanfic. Perhaps snake and raiden will kiss tonight. Computer battery gonna die, guess that's my sign.